speechless.

woke up this morning to news i never expected.

a friend from college was killed in a car accident last night.

and there are lots of questions without answers.

and all day, i’ve heard from the boys who considered him a brother.

i considered him a brother.

and they’ve come to me for answers, and i don’t have them.

all i can do is show them love. and listen.

and sometimes, its hard to be strong.

for them. for me. for Rocky.

i miss him so much already. it’s hard to accept that he’s really gone.

i’ve done this too many times before. tried to wade through the hurt to be okay with it all.

especially with something as sudden as a car accident.

and knowing some of Rocky’s past, it isn’t an easy pill to swallow.

it takes me RIGHT back to the summer of 2005… when my cousin Heather was killed in a car accident.

Heather and Rocky were friends. Hopefully they’re hanging out in Heaven right now…

I’m thankful for the times I spent with that boy. He always knew how to make not just me, but everyone laugh. He couldn’t sing to save his life, but he sure did try his best at karaoke at the mexican restaurant. He was so much fun at my 21st birthday party. We had many a road trip to go watch the boys play after he stopped going to Bluefield. We spent way too many nights together at 408 and at Lowell and Canada’s. We stayed up late many a night, just talking about everything. He was one who would listen to me talk about anything for however long I needed him to. I’ll never ever forget the good times spent with that kid.

He always knew how to make me smile.

That’s what I’ll always remember about Rocky… and what I’ll always miss about him.

and His love, is getting me through.

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take my fret.

it’s hard to remember this while i’m at work sometimes.

in this very moment, i’m frustrated… with a co-worker… with a project that i’ve been put on… with a lot of things, really.

and it was in the moment of frustration that i had to stop, take a look around and a couple deep breaths, and let it roll off my shoulders.

i printed that quote out a couple of months ago, and it is taped to my computer, where i can read it whenever i need a small reminder of why i do what i do. the words below caught my heart especially today:

“…you are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement.”

and i certainly can’t do it on my own.

so in this moment, where i’m ready to explode, i stopped…

took a breath…

and prayed.

prayed a prayer that my pastor shared on his blog, which is also taped to my computer:

“with You, nothing is accidental, nothing is incidental, and no experience is wasted. You hold in Your own power my breath of life and all my destiny. Every trial that You allow to happen is a platform on which You reveal Yourself, showing Your love and power, both to me and to others looking on. Thank You that I can move into the future non-defensively, with hands outstretched to whatever lies ahead, for You hold the future and You will always be with me, even to my old age, and through all eternity.”

in these moments, i just need something, and this morning, i found that something on two tiny pieces of paper, taped to a computer, written in black and white.

and while i continue to work on this project, i’m sure i’ll still be frustrated wading through it, but i won’t be alone in it.

you lift me up when i am weak.
your arms wrap around me.
your love catches me so i’m letting go…
you lift me up when i can’t see,
your heart is all that i need,
your love carries me so i’m letting go…