when nothing satisfies.

Today is one of those days. You know, the one where you wake up and hear the rain outside of your window and instantly wish you could just stay in bed.

Everything I have turned my thoughts toward today has been hard. I’ve found myself moving back through some things I thought I had already maneuvered past, I’ve cried to lyrics that have made their home in my heart again, and I just made another cup of lemon zinger tea, thinking that holding something hot in my favorite yellow mug might just comfort me for a little while longer.

You need hard days. You need those hard feelings to help you remember that you need days like this to be able to enjoy the days that aren’t like this. And thank goodness that there are so many days that aren’t like this.

Days like this — they’re tough. But there’s beauty in the breakdown, and today, I’ve been broken and beaten down with what seems like every single breath. But, there’s light, and it’s shining it’s way into those cracks and crevices that have made themselves known to me today in such an unexpected, but incredibly welcomed way.

when nothing satisfies you, hold my hand.

some days are diamonds.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.
Some times the hard times won’t leave me alone.
Some times the cold winds blow a chill in my bones.
Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

(“Some Days are Diamonds” – John Denver, but the Amos Lee version of this song is my favorite)

Some days truly are diamonds. You know its a good day when you can feel the smile on your face, or when someone suggests Sonic Happy Hour at 3pm, or lunch with a good friend, or when you finally fall into your bed and can assuredly feel at peace because you gave it all you had.  That was my yesterday, and it was a good one. Bright and sparkly.

I haven’t had a stone kind of day in a little while, and I’d call that a victory if I’ve ever had one. There was a season in life here recently where more days were stones than diamonds, and I’ve found myself in a different kind of groove now. It’s so incredibly refreshing.

So here’s to our diamond days. May we continue to find diamonds in everyday, even the ones that end up being stone.

this is why.

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” – Miriam Adeney

reading this wrecked me tonight. instantly my heart traveled many miles in many different directions to many different people who have been a part of my story. beautiful memories. all of them. and this is why i love…

 

stories to tell and reasons to sing.

This space is always blank. I log in, and the page loads, and it’s always blank. Big white and blank.

and I struggle with how to fill it. Every. Single. Time.

I think I’m scared of words. Okay, maybe scared isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s intimidated.

And maybe think isn’t the right word either. Maybe it’s know.

I know I’m intimidated by words.

Others write. They sit in big windowed coffee shops where the light off the street is pouring in so glowingly and they sip their lattes with the pretty heart designs on the top of the mugs that are the right weight (because let’s be honest, a light mug isn’t a mug I want holding my frothy hearted latte…) and they write. They compose. They create. They orchestrate and paint pictures and make people feel a certain way with how they’ve woven together a tapestry of a story, and I’m moved by all of them. I read blogs and stalk Instagram and see the facets of the lives of these people and I’m in awe of their creativity and their ability to take a blank space and fill it. With words.

And here I am, in my bedroom with clothes on the floor and frames that need new pictures in them and the only thing I can think about tonight is how I that I’m incredibly intimidated by words. My words. Your words. All words.

Hey crazy girl, It isn’t about sitting in the right coffee shop, with the right flavored latte and the right mug and the right light pouring into the window. It isn’t about those who define themselves as writers. You don’t have to be a writer to write. You have to be a human… with feelings… and a story to tell and a reason to sing. Both of those which you have… stories to tell and reasons to sing.

So don’t get frustrated when this page loads and it’s blank. Don’t be intimidated by the words of others, or of your own. Others share bits and pieces of themselves through their words so that you can learn from them. So that you can be encouraged to find your own voice because they were bold enough to find theirs. It takes strength to say something.To say anything. So say it. Speak it out. Write it down. Get it out of you. No matter what strings are holding you back. No matter how white this page looks. Fill it up. Do it.

Be bold. Stop holding back what you need to say. Yes, need is the right word. It’s been the right word and the right feeling for a while now. Life’s happening, and I need to use my words. Mine.

appointed juncture.

There is something beautiful about sharing a meal. Pulling up a chair, defining space with the posturing of your bodies around a table and sharing in conversation through being nourished together is a place in time that cannot be recreated, no matter how hard you try. The words and plates shared are unique to those particular moments. The smells, the ambiance, the laughs, the flavors tasted during this appointed juncture are alluring… especially when in a different place than you normally find yourself. 

This weekend, I found myself around a wooden table in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina. It was a collection of people who organically would probably not have found themselves together sharing a meal, but that night, we did. We found common bonds, we laughed, we tried each others portions, and we told the stories of our lives. It was a scene I found myself captivated by. The light was just right, the chill streaming in from the front door kept us alert and I captured a slice of the setting with my camera; a moment I did not want to leave there.

Life is meant to be shared and meals are meant to be savored together. I am thankful for that moment in time where my path crossed with a few others in a town that my heart has grown to love over the years of best friends living there. That meal was delicious and the moments surrounding it all were worth committing to memory in the form of a snapshot.

it feels good.

Today was the first day that has felt different in quite a while. My hair straightened so easily this morning, and it’s a rare occasion when that happens. I got to put sunglasses on my face because the sun was shining bright enough to merit them. I’ll leave work today and pack a bag, get in the car and drive 3 hours south to spend a weekend with 2 of my very best friends.

I talk about the road a lot, and getting away and traveling and adventure and changing scenery. But in the midst of a day like today, where I have accomplished a lot on my to do list, and where breathing is easier, it just feels good to be alive and in this place that I call home. It’s refreshing to stare out of the window and soak in all that this day has to offer… planning for the future, laughing with co-workers, listening to good music that captivates my spirit and just loving where life has me right now.

Today is a good day and I just needed to write about it.

moved me.

I spend a lot of time reading other people’s words. Whether it’s emails at work, tweets on my timeline, blogs I love, or any of the 5 books that are currently resting on my nightstand… words surround me quite often. In print and on screens, when I want to read them and when I don’t want to read them. When they’re good and when they’re hard.

Last night, sitting on the red couch in my dimly lit home, I read the words of a girl who’s life has intertwined with mine at several different points. First in college, and then later as young adults living in Richmond. The story of her life has recently taken her to the other side of the continent, and we’d lost touch along the way.

It happens. Even if you don’t want it to, it happens.

She’s always had a way with words. And last night, the words she formulated, put on a page and published, were hard to read. My heart instantly traveled thousands of miles to her (I’m certain) beautifully decorated home, and my tears went right along with them. This woman, who I’d done a lot of life with over the years, was having to piece together feelings and emotions and real life into some letters on a page to convey her heart in a time of sadness. A time in life where words can comfort and heal, or sneak you back into painful crevasses and be tempted to leave you there. I see these words as healing. As a place of peace. Even if just for this moment.

I’m so glad she’s writing again. I’m encouraged by this dear girl to find my own voice again. Pain, heartache, and hard times look incredibly different for everyone, but bottling it up inside and not sharing the truth in who you are in all of it is more detrimental. She moved me.

Here’s to my radiant KEGL, and to finding her voice again. Press on, sweet love. It might be something to be found again and again and again with every new day that comes shining through your window, but you are not alone. It’s 1657.91 miles from my doorstep to yours, and my heart will travel that distance daily as you continue to find your voice. I’ll write as you write. A journey together, even though we’re far apart.

love you.

it’s different.

There is a brightness that is currently pouring itself into my sun porch. It’s wildly invigorating, it’s much needed and greatly welcomed. It’s about time that I noticed that pure, unadulterated light trying to make it’s way into my heart. And the simple way that the cotton sheets on my bed surrounded me this morning, even if for just a moment, made me feel not so alone.

The desire to press my fingers into some keys this morning was overwhelming, and since I don’t play the piano, this is where I found myself. I don’t really know what to say, and even as I’m spilling it all out here, I’m not 100% certain where these words are coming from, but I know the heart behind them. And why.

Dear girl, you heard a voice long ago, speaking truth straight into your soul; the very fiber of what makes you, you. And you chose to let those words resonate in a different way, a path all your own, the jagged rocks of a gravel road puncturing your feet as you tread ground that you weren’t meant to. You let words and feelings sweep you off in another direction, sideways energy that took you away from the root of who you are. And you dreamed. Oh darling, you dreamed. You concocted a fairy tale that was never yours to construct. You felt it, the tangible brawn and flesh of intertwined fingers, holding for just a moment what you thought was something genuine and real. And for an instant, you deemed it good, because you were convinced that you actually felt something. And in the spirit of being honest, that’s all you really wanted… wasn’t it.

But this morning, now, it’s different. What you’re feeling is real. It’s your honest heart. The core of who you are, and who you were created to be. It’s not convoluted or mucked up by the fanciful thoughts that previously reigned supreme. A fresh start on your own path, telling your own story, and not being defined by wishful thinking and “what could have been”. That air in your lungs, embrace it. Feel the weight of that yellow mug in your grasp, and not the gravity of what you’ve just come out of. Take this as an opportunity to dance upon the blessings and beautiful moments of this life that beckon you forward, into a new place, even if just for this day, or this very moment. And don’t think that the darkness won’t try and creep it’s way in, seeping back into reality like the ever-present ticking of a clock. Because when it does, know that the victory is yours for the taking; obstacles maneuvered, crisis averted. Hold on to this light: in your sun porch, in your eyes, and in your heart, because when all else fades, it’s whats going to keep shining. You dear, no matter how clouded and jaded you feel by this world, you will shine. Love wins. It really truly does. It wins, even today when you don’t feel like letting it. And it’s yours. Right now.

So hold on to what is true and lasting. Don’t you dare let some fleeting wish be the rock upon which you fashion the beautiful story of your heart. And if by some chance you do, soak in that yummy light from your sun porch. Click some keys and spill some truth. Pour some more vanilla chai in that lovely yellow mug, turn up those Taylor Swift lyrics that captivate your heart and remind you that even though you might remember it all too well, you’re too good to be left there alone. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Keep loving. You got this.

{fall. into. me.}

It’s been a great Fall so far. It was a beautiful drive up to Bluefield and back a few weeks ago, it’s been nice to walk to my car in the mornings and notice a chill in the air, and let’s be honest, watching Football again has been such a joy. I love this time of year.

I’m looking forward to…

eating / chili, stuffing, pumpkin pie
drinking / anything chai, warm apple cider, pumpkin beers.
practicing / patience, thankfulness and gratitude.
mastering / boundaries, a better work flow.
learning / to keep my eyes open to all of the beauty around me… in nature and in people.
playing / on a mountainside, picking apples and taking in the view.
finishing / (and starting) some projects in my home.
reading / more of the 5 books that are currently residing on my nightstand.
walking / and crunching leaves under my shoes.
wearing / cozy and comforting clothes. long sleeve tshirts. my favorite hoodie.
cooking / something new… i really wanna bake a pie from scratch.
working / on loving others well.
traveling / to Hilton Head with the Mitchell’s for thanksgiving. we haven’t traveled together in a long time, and i’m excited.
wanting / to spend more time with people i love. to take more pictures. to make more memories. to create more.

not just any mountain.

i drove my car up a mountain last weekend and it felt like home, because it was just that at one point.

and to clarify, it’s not just any mountain. they’re my mountains.

i gallivanted around town and soaked in the beauty of old memories, good times, and incredible relationships.

i laughed with some great friends, and the thought of it even now makes my heart smile.

i got to spend sometime with my heart, and the lyrics that serenaded it will always replay in my mind.

i shared a special moment with a person who means a lot to me, and the way the light poured into the windows of my car in the dead of night was incredibly comforting, and that was exactly what i needed.

i drove my car back down that mountain, and it’s always leaving that stirs up so many emotions in me.

really good ones, and really hard ones.

i really do love that town in my mountains, and the place that it takes me whenever i’m there, and whenever i leave.

thank goodness it’s always a part of me, no matter what, and no matter where i am.